Derek Fildebrandt "Days without an Apology" Counter Set Back to Zero, Twice.

Derek Fildebrandt, MLA for Strathmore-Brooks poses
 next to the official "Apology Counter"

STRATHMORE, AB - The Wildrose Party officially reset the counter on the "Derek Fildebrandt days without an Apology" clock, a party insider revealed.

The counter, officially located in their Edmonton offices, was also part of their campaign efforts, accompanying them when Fildebrandt, the MLA from Strathmore-Brooks - would tour his constituency and make appearances with other candidates. It's occasionally still used for travel purposes and promotions, but the official counter remains in Edmonton.

Friday, after issuing an apology for his constant demands to "Invite Premier Wall" from Saskatchewan when Premier Kathleen Wynne was visiting, Opposition Leader Brian Jean hit the reset button on the timer. Then after a social media fiasco after Fildebrandt accidentally agreed with a comment on his Facebook page someone posted, and then subsequently apologized again, Jean hit the button. The number had not even changed from zero yet.

The clock was at a record 142 days, as apologies from the NDP and from PC Leader Ric McIver were prominent. Fildebrandt's last apology was in regards to comments from then suspended MLA Deborah Drever regarding a Christmas Greeting printing error. Before hand it was 28 days since he had apologized for questioning the integrity of the speaker Bob Wanner.

Read More

Ghost of Allison Redford in Federal Building is Actually Allison Redford

A feral Ms Redford in the former "Sky Palace"

EDMONTON, AB - Floors creaking, doors opening and shutting on their own and coffee brewing itself early in the morning when no one is around are just some of the hauntings that have been happening on the 11th floor of the Federal Building in Alberta.

Teresa Daniell, who works in the former "Sky Palace" as a government assistant was shocked with some of the things she saw. "I swear it was a ghost! I'd come in in the morning, and suddenly I'd hear a floor creak. Then came the groaning. I entered the boardroom, and there I saw it, the ghost of Ms Redford! She was laying on the board room table as if she were asleep!"

After months of rumors and complaints, Infrastructure Minister Brian Mason hired a professional ghost hunter to exorcise the room, the ghost of Allison Redford woke up demanding who was splashing water on her so early in the morning. She then shoved her way past Daniell and poured herself a cup of coffee.

Allison Redford was alive and well, and as it turns out, had been living there since February of 2015 when the building reopened and tenants began moving in.

"This was absolutely shocking news to us," said Mason in an interview granted to The Moose. "I didn't even know she was still in Alberta. I had always assumed we had her under control. Unfortunatley, she's become quite successful at living off the land here. Leftover donuts from meetings in various rooms, making coffee before the staff arrive."

"There's only one humane way to handle feral Premiers. It is our intent to capture her and release her back in Calgary-Elbow."

Read More

Montreal Canadiens Sign Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau celebrates after his signing.

MONTREAL QC - Justin Trudeau has signed a historic deal with the Montreal Canadiens for the 2016-17 season, GM Marc Bergevin confirmed at a media scrum Friday.

"We need an enforcer who's fit, and can score goals, and while he sometimes misses the mark, he still delivers strong," Bergevin stated. "And he plays some old-school style of hockey. We haven't seen elbows like that since the days of Gordie Howe."

Trudeau for his part, is taking it easy. He's been seen practicing along the Rideau Canal outside parliament, working on his footwork and improving his stickhandling. He even challenged several members of the NDP caucus to a game. NDP Team Captain Mulcair has declined the challenge, stating that "He's just too physical for a game of pick-up hockey. We're still not recovered from the last time we played. Brosseau is still day-to-day."

This is new territory for the former boxer, who often cites aggressive players as an influence. Recently, he's turned to fellow former boxer and hockey player Rocky Thompson for advice. Rocky has made it clear that Trudeau is going to be put on the ice to fight. Trudeau on the other hand, has been very clear: "Yes, I'm signed as a fighter. But this isn't the 90's anymore. This is a new NHL, and I'm going to have to earn my keep here. My stickhandling is improving, as I'm working on my wrist-shot. It doesn't matter how many times I hit someone on the ice if I can't put the puck in the net."

Read More

Canada Second Greatest Country to Reside - According to Canadians

A traditional Canadian home in a typical Canadian suburb

TORONTO, ON - A poll this week of over 3,000 Canadians showed that Canada is the second greatest country to live in the world. Released by polling company Zeuters, it seemed every Canadian will not admit that Canada is the greatest country in the wold. While there is no specific agreement on what country is the greatest country to live in, Canada came in 2nd place 97% of the time.

The country that received in first place was Norway with 9% of the vote. Only a handful of votes behind - close enough to also come in at 9% was Germany. Not a single Canadian voted for Canada in first place.

Francis Craddock, pollster for Zeuters was not surprised. "Canadians clearly love their country. Out of the over 200 recognized countries in the world, second place is still pretty high." He then went on to apologize for their extremely confident ranking of second place, adamant that they don't deserve it.

"It's rare for us to find this many Canadians who think so highly of themselves. They generally put the entire world before them, and even then they make apologies for being too humble." Craddock continued.

***

Calgary Moose asked a few passerbys about what they thought regarding this.

Q: According to an overwhelming majority of Canadians, Canada is the second greatest country in the world. How does that make you feel?

Vincent Zousef, 25, Student: "I was born here, and I'm quite surprised that we scored so high. I mean, sure, we're a good country, but there's a lot of great countries countries out there."

Ashleigh Leighton (she insisted it's pronounced "Left-Ton" but we all know better), 32, Engineer: "It's shocking! I love my country, but I also love countries like Italy and England. How did we score so high? You're gonna make sure people can read my name properly, right?"

Micheal Buble, 40, Entertainer, but not the same person as Micheal Bublé: "Our entire identity is tied to Great Big Sea, Not being Americans, and Tim Horton's. That's really all we are. I don't see what's so exciting about that."

Read More

McIver Throws Tantrum in Legislature over Wanner's Power Ranger Toys

Hon. Ric McIver (PC) MLA for Calgary-Hays in time out outside.

EDMONTON, AB - Chaos ensued in the Alberta Legislature Building yesterday when PC Party Leader accused SPeaker of the House Bob Wanner of not sharing his Power Ranger toys.

"It was a completely unnecessary distraction." Said McIver. "I mean, he shouldn't have brought them in at all, but once he did, he really should have been willing to let us all have a turn."

It started when a page handed Wanner a Red Power Ranger toy. As debate continued, Wanner seemed distracted as he played with it, and another Green Ranger toy. It was at this point that McIver had had enough and began to throw his accusations against the speaker.

"Mr. Speaker, if you will not follow the debate at hand, would you at least allow me to play with your Green Ranger?" Wanner of course, refused and insisted that both the toys belong to him. McIver for his part continued, only getting louder. Wanner then used his authority as speaker to tell McIver his statement had been recognized and asked him to sit down. The PC Leader then refused and continued yelling, then banged on his desk. Wanner then gave his edict.

"If the honourable member from Calgary-Hays does not stop his kicking and screaming in the aisles before I count to three, I will have him in time out until he apologizes to the assembly."

After the count, the speaker then ruled that McIver was out of order. He was removed from the legislature and then taken to see the nurse, who put a band-aid on McIver's knee after he bumped it on the door on the way out. The nurse also gave him a lollipop.

McIver has said he'll think of an apology as soon as he figures what he needs to apologize for.

Read More

Notley's Government Budget Highlights

Yesterday, Alberta Finance Minister Joe Ceci and Premier Rachel Notley tabled the budget for 2016. Called the Alberta Jobs Plan, there were a few interesting tidbits in there (not to be confused with "Timbits" which were nowhere to be seen). Here are some of our favourites:

Education and Employment

• $350 Million dollars to fund a Clown College located in Strathmore. This would ensure Derek Fildebrandt can still obtain meaningful employment once he retires as MLA.
• $1.2 billion to build a pipeline from Alberta to nowhere. The pipeline, initially earmarked for bitumen, will be used to transport all the jobs leaving the province to anywhere but here.
• $3.5 billion to build new schools... Or as the Calgary Board of Education calls it "A down payment on our headquarters and offices"

Environment

• $645 million dollars to create a new agency to called "Red Tape Efficiency Alberta" to harness the power of bureaucracy and turn it into an energy source.
• $2.2 billion for green projects, including transit. It's expected a commitment of three $10.00 Tim Horton's gift cards will be announced for Calgary before November.

Health

• $3.5 billion on new health facilities and equipment including $1.2 billion for the new Calgary Cancer Center, and $500 million on machines that go "bing." After all collective bargaining is completed, it's expected the remaining $1.8 billion will have vanished.
• Additional funds for mental health, focusing on ridings with strong support of Alberta Party and Liberal Party to help these people get in touch with reality and a little extra in Wild Rose Party ridings to support anger management programs. Ric McIver will be granted a personal anger management coach. Greg Clark will be given a role coaching NDP members who arrive late to vote a class on proper time management skills.

Other Notes

• $800 Million for refunding the carbon tax that is still being implemented. Because Red Tape Efficiency Alberta needs the energy provided by that delicious bureaucracy.
• $900 Million for affordable housing units, or as Boardwalk calls it "Our annual corporate welfare cheque."

These are exciting times for Alberta! Not since the era of Don Getty have we seen such a wonderfully balanced budget with an absolute plan to get Alberta out of debt. We are waiting for baited breath to see how these announcements are rolled out over the next year, and we'll be sure to report all of them!

Read More

Justin Trudeau's Smile Cures Cancer in Patients

The Prime Minister, seen here after Healing a young girl.

OTTAWA, ON -  A recent study set at the University of Ottawa may have finally found a cure for cancer.

"We're extremely proud of this news. We did several trials where the Prime Minister came to visit children in the hospital and found that during his visits, the children made a full recovery. The members of the control group however did not."

The study was done over the course of several visits from the Prime Minister over a thirty day period. They divided the children, who all had various forms of cancer, into two units. The study was made particularly difficult as the children who were in the experimental group were cured immediately. This forced the researchers to find a continuous influx of children from other hospitals seeking treatment.

"We shipped them in from all over, BC, Alberta, Newfoundland... we even brought in a family from Florida. All of them had the same results. Fully cured the moment Justin Trudeau smiled at them."

The Prime Minister himself appeared unsurprised by the news. "University of Ottawa takes medical study and ethics very seriously. I always knew I had this gift, so when I was asked for my participation as part of seeking the ethics board approval, I agreed without hesitation," Trudeau said, while balancing a baby on his hand that he had just treated a moment prior. "In fact this is nothing. I've been turning American beer into Labbat's Blue since I turned nineteen."

The results of the study, which will be published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, encourage moving on to further testing, to see if the famous smile has an effect on other illnesses.

Read More