Literal Giant Dick Announces GOP Candidacy

Richards, 45, seen here at a campaign event in Wisconsin.

MADISON, WI – A surprise late entry into the Republican Nomination Contest has left many stunned. Bishop Richard, a career penis of 45 years of age, has recently announced his candidacy for the Republican Nomination. And he feels his odds are very good. And, according to the 5'11” phallus, his odds are pretty good.

“I've been a dick since Ted Cruz was born. And Rubio's comments regarding Donald's hands made me realise I might have all the qualifications necessary to lead the Republican Party all the way to the White House.” Richard said following a campaign stop in Wisconsin ahead of the next round of primaries on April 5^th. “I just figured if this is a dick measuring contest, I'm a clear winner.”

With Rubio dropping out of the Presidential race, the contest is starting to get more heated than ever. But that hasn't discouraged Richard. “It just seems the party likes giant dicks. I could probably take away three quarters of the votes each from Cruz and Trump. If Kusich still has a chance, then I most definitely do. It's going to be hard, but I like that.”

He's also a staunch conservative who believes in family values. While admitting to not having any problems with homosexuality and even endorsing the Supreme Court decision from last summer, he believes creationism should be taught alongside the theory of evolution and supports religious sex-ed. He especially opposes condom demonstrations or teaching of birth control. While he doesn't deny man-made climate change – a breakaway of the party establishment, he feels it's our duty to contribute as much as we can to making climate change happen more rapidly – encouraging people to reduce the amount of clothing they wear in hot weather.

“Dicks need to be free too, you know.”

The next primaries for the Republicans are to be held April 5^th.