Derek Fildebrandt "Days without an Apology" Counter Set Back to Zero, Twice.

Derek Fildebrandt, MLA for Strathmore-Brooks poses
 next to the official "Apology Counter"

STRATHMORE, AB - The Wildrose Party officially reset the counter on the "Derek Fildebrandt days without an Apology" clock, a party insider revealed.

The counter, officially located in their Edmonton offices, was also part of their campaign efforts, accompanying them when Fildebrandt, the MLA from Strathmore-Brooks - would tour his constituency and make appearances with other candidates. It's occasionally still used for travel purposes and promotions, but the official counter remains in Edmonton.

Friday, after issuing an apology for his constant demands to "Invite Premier Wall" from Saskatchewan when Premier Kathleen Wynne was visiting, Opposition Leader Brian Jean hit the reset button on the timer. Then after a social media fiasco after Fildebrandt accidentally agreed with a comment on his Facebook page someone posted, and then subsequently apologized again, Jean hit the button. The number had not even changed from zero yet.

The clock was at a record 142 days, as apologies from the NDP and from PC Leader Ric McIver were prominent. Fildebrandt's last apology was in regards to comments from then suspended MLA Deborah Drever regarding a Christmas Greeting printing error. Before hand it was 28 days since he had apologized for questioning the integrity of the speaker Bob Wanner.

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Ghost of Allison Redford in Federal Building is Actually Allison Redford

A feral Ms Redford in the former "Sky Palace"

EDMONTON, AB - Floors creaking, doors opening and shutting on their own and coffee brewing itself early in the morning when no one is around are just some of the hauntings that have been happening on the 11th floor of the Federal Building in Alberta.

Teresa Daniell, who works in the former "Sky Palace" as a government assistant was shocked with some of the things she saw. "I swear it was a ghost! I'd come in in the morning, and suddenly I'd hear a floor creak. Then came the groaning. I entered the boardroom, and there I saw it, the ghost of Ms Redford! She was laying on the board room table as if she were asleep!"

After months of rumors and complaints, Infrastructure Minister Brian Mason hired a professional ghost hunter to exorcise the room, the ghost of Allison Redford woke up demanding who was splashing water on her so early in the morning. She then shoved her way past Daniell and poured herself a cup of coffee.

Allison Redford was alive and well, and as it turns out, had been living there since February of 2015 when the building reopened and tenants began moving in.

"This was absolutely shocking news to us," said Mason in an interview granted to The Moose. "I didn't even know she was still in Alberta. I had always assumed we had her under control. Unfortunatley, she's become quite successful at living off the land here. Leftover donuts from meetings in various rooms, making coffee before the staff arrive."

"There's only one humane way to handle feral Premiers. It is our intent to capture her and release her back in Calgary-Elbow."

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McIver Throws Tantrum in Legislature over Wanner's Power Ranger Toys

Hon. Ric McIver (PC) MLA for Calgary-Hays in time out outside.

EDMONTON, AB - Chaos ensued in the Alberta Legislature Building yesterday when PC Party Leader accused SPeaker of the House Bob Wanner of not sharing his Power Ranger toys.

"It was a completely unnecessary distraction." Said McIver. "I mean, he shouldn't have brought them in at all, but once he did, he really should have been willing to let us all have a turn."

It started when a page handed Wanner a Red Power Ranger toy. As debate continued, Wanner seemed distracted as he played with it, and another Green Ranger toy. It was at this point that McIver had had enough and began to throw his accusations against the speaker.

"Mr. Speaker, if you will not follow the debate at hand, would you at least allow me to play with your Green Ranger?" Wanner of course, refused and insisted that both the toys belong to him. McIver for his part continued, only getting louder. Wanner then used his authority as speaker to tell McIver his statement had been recognized and asked him to sit down. The PC Leader then refused and continued yelling, then banged on his desk. Wanner then gave his edict.

"If the honourable member from Calgary-Hays does not stop his kicking and screaming in the aisles before I count to three, I will have him in time out until he apologizes to the assembly."

After the count, the speaker then ruled that McIver was out of order. He was removed from the legislature and then taken to see the nurse, who put a band-aid on McIver's knee after he bumped it on the door on the way out. The nurse also gave him a lollipop.

McIver has said he'll think of an apology as soon as he figures what he needs to apologize for.

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Notley's Government Budget Highlights

Yesterday, Alberta Finance Minister Joe Ceci and Premier Rachel Notley tabled the budget for 2016. Called the Alberta Jobs Plan, there were a few interesting tidbits in there (not to be confused with "Timbits" which were nowhere to be seen). Here are some of our favourites:

Education and Employment

• $350 Million dollars to fund a Clown College located in Strathmore. This would ensure Derek Fildebrandt can still obtain meaningful employment once he retires as MLA.
• $1.2 billion to build a pipeline from Alberta to nowhere. The pipeline, initially earmarked for bitumen, will be used to transport all the jobs leaving the province to anywhere but here.
• $3.5 billion to build new schools... Or as the Calgary Board of Education calls it "A down payment on our headquarters and offices"

Environment

• $645 million dollars to create a new agency to called "Red Tape Efficiency Alberta" to harness the power of bureaucracy and turn it into an energy source.
• $2.2 billion for green projects, including transit. It's expected a commitment of three $10.00 Tim Horton's gift cards will be announced for Calgary before November.

Health

• $3.5 billion on new health facilities and equipment including $1.2 billion for the new Calgary Cancer Center, and $500 million on machines that go "bing." After all collective bargaining is completed, it's expected the remaining $1.8 billion will have vanished.
• Additional funds for mental health, focusing on ridings with strong support of Alberta Party and Liberal Party to help these people get in touch with reality and a little extra in Wild Rose Party ridings to support anger management programs. Ric McIver will be granted a personal anger management coach. Greg Clark will be given a role coaching NDP members who arrive late to vote a class on proper time management skills.

Other Notes

• $800 Million for refunding the carbon tax that is still being implemented. Because Red Tape Efficiency Alberta needs the energy provided by that delicious bureaucracy.
• $900 Million for affordable housing units, or as Boardwalk calls it "Our annual corporate welfare cheque."

These are exciting times for Alberta! Not since the era of Don Getty have we seen such a wonderfully balanced budget with an absolute plan to get Alberta out of debt. We are waiting for baited breath to see how these announcements are rolled out over the next year, and we'll be sure to report all of them!

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