Google's DeepMind Defeats Maple Leafs 5-0

The newest publicity stunt for the Alphabet owned DeepMind project.

Justin Trudeau's Smile Cures Cancer in Patients

A recent University of Ottawa study set to be released for peer review has found a new way of treating cancer patients.

Sunday 29 May 2016

Derek Fildebrandt "Days without an Apology" Counter Set Back to Zero, Twice.

Derek Fildebrandt, MLA for Strathmore-Brooks poses
 next to the official "Apology Counter"
STRATHMORE, AB - The Wildrose Party officially reset the counter on the "Derek Fildebrandt days without an Apology" clock, a party insider revealed.

The counter, officially located in their Edmonton offices, was also part of their campaign efforts, accompanying them when Fildebrandt, the MLA from Strathmore-Brooks - would tour his constituency and make appearances with other candidates. It's occasionally still used for travel purposes and promotions, but the official counter remains in Edmonton.

Friday, after issuing an apology for his constant demands to "Invite Premier Wall" from Saskatchewan when Premier Kathleen Wynne was visiting, Opposition Leader Brian Jean hit the reset button on the timer. Then after a social media fiasco after Fildebrandt accidentally agreed with a comment on his Facebook page someone posted, and then subsequently apologized again, Jean hit the button. The number had not even changed from zero yet.

The clock was at a record 142 days, as apologies from the NDP and from PC Leader Ric McIver were prominent. Fildebrandt's last apology was in regards to comments from then suspended MLA Deborah Drever regarding a Christmas Greeting printing error. Before hand it was 28 days since he had apologized for questioning the integrity of the speaker Bob Wanner.

Thursday 26 May 2016

Ghost of Allison Redford in Federal Building is Actually Allison Redford

A feral Ms Redford in the former "Sky Palace"
EDMONTON, AB - Floors creaking, doors opening and shutting on their own and coffee brewing itself early in the morning when no one is around are just some of the hauntings that have been happening on the 11th floor of the Federal Building in Alberta.

Teresa Daniell, who works in the former "Sky Palace" as a government assistant was shocked with some of the things she saw. "I swear it was a ghost! I'd come in in the morning, and suddenly I'd hear a floor creak. Then came the groaning. I entered the boardroom, and there I saw it, the ghost of Ms Redford! She was laying on the board room table as if she were asleep!"

After months of rumors and complaints, Infrastructure Minister Brian Mason hired a professional ghost hunter to exorcise the room, the ghost of Allison Redford woke up demanding who was splashing water on her so early in the morning. She then shoved her way past Daniell and poured herself a cup of coffee.

Allison Redford was alive and well, and as it turns out, had been living there since February of 2015 when the building reopened and tenants began moving in.

"This was absolutely shocking news to us," said Mason in an interview granted to The Moose. "I didn't even know she was still in Alberta. I had always assumed we had her under control. Unfortunatley, she's become quite successful at living off the land here. Leftover donuts from meetings in various rooms, making coffee before the staff arrive."

"There's only one humane way to handle feral Premiers. It is our intent to capture her and release her back in Calgary-Elbow."

Saturday 21 May 2016

Montreal Canadiens Sign Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau celebrates after his signing.
MONTREAL QC - Justin Trudeau has signed a historic deal with the Montreal Canadiens for the 2016-17 season, GM Marc Bergevin confirmed at a media scrum Friday.

"We need an enforcer who's fit, and can score goals, and while he sometimes misses the mark, he still delivers strong," Bergevin stated. "And he plays some old-school style of hockey. We haven't seen elbows like that since the days of Gordie Howe."

Trudeau for his part, is taking it easy. He's been seen practicing along the Rideau Canal outside parliament, working on his footwork and improving his stickhandling. He even challenged several members of the NDP caucus to a game. NDP Team Captain Mulcair has declined the challenge, stating that "He's just too physical for a game of pick-up hockey. We're still not recovered from the last time we played. Brosseau is still day-to-day."

This is new territory for the former boxer, who often cites aggressive players as an influence. Recently, he's turned to fellow former boxer and hockey player Rocky Thompson for advice. Rocky has made it clear that Trudeau is going to be put on the ice to fight. Trudeau on the other hand, has been very clear: "Yes, I'm signed as a fighter. But this isn't the 90's anymore. This is a new NHL, and I'm going to have to earn my keep here. My stickhandling is improving, as I'm working on my wrist-shot. It doesn't matter how many times I hit someone on the ice if I can't put the puck in the net."