Trump Good, Russian Hack a Lie

Real file photo of Wonderful World Leader Putin
Source: Somewhere on internet so must be real

WASHINGTON DC - Today's news bring joy as Leader Putin proved not guilty in any hacking of Amerikan democracy. Kremlin investigation and CFB prove without trace of doubt handsomest leader in world and strong man Putin not interfere in Election of chosen wise Pres dent of Amerika Trump.

News good as world leaders stand up to applaud absolute openness of elections in US of A and jointly give all medals of honor to wonderful President of Glorious Russia and President in Waiting most virile Donald Trump. Putin said to be happy about good news going forward and insist he only want election in Amerika to be fair, like Crimea referendum to join motherland was.

Trump also said to be happy happy about news, and will be greatest President in Amerika History to make Amerika great again, and is most absolutely definitely not puppet to Most Muscular and Strong President Putin of Russia. Putin and Trump both promise to not hurt those horrible awful bad people who lie and accuse them of such things. America good. Yay!

In not related news Putin and Trump in running for Glorious Nobel Peace Prize and several awards from Nations United for efforts to make world peaceful happy place.

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Google's DeepMind Defeats the Toronto Maple Leafs

Three members of the DeepMind team during the opening skate.

TORONTO, ON - DeepMind defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs by a score of 5-0 in exhibition play last night. It was the first time an AI has won a hockey game against a professional team. Demis Hassabis describes this as "Phenomenal."

"We've had a lot of difficulties trying to teach DeepMind to play team sports. Up to this point it was mainly basic video games and board games. But this goes to show just how versatile DeepMind is," Hassabis continued. "Especially when DeepMind lacks important details, such as opposable thumbs or knees that bend, or even having legs at all."

DeepMind is designed to learn in a way similar to humans. By practicing and observing games, the AI learns the rules, and soon develops combinations of how to respond to situations as they arise within the rules. By observing it's environment, it learns and adapts. So how did DeepMind learn Hockey?

"We started with some video games," Hassabis went on. "We had DeepMind play thousands of games on NHL '95 to get a feel for the basics. Then we had him run hundreds of thousands of reviews of recent games to understand most of the standard plays and changes to the rules since the Super Nintendo era. After a slight neural pruning process, we set him up against Toronto, just to test it out, and the results were better than we had hoped."

Their next goal is to test DeepMind against better teams, including the Montreal Canadiens, who hold the record for most Stanley Cup Wins, as well as against more recent and relevant Stanley Cup Champions, the Chicago Blackhawks, Los Angeles Kings, and Pittsburgh Penguins.

DeepMind staff hope to have enough data from the World Cup of Hockey to prepare for a best of 8 series against Team Canada late next year, with a possible upcoming series against Russia.

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Derek Fildebrandt "Days without an Apology" Counter Set Back to Zero, Twice.

Derek Fildebrandt, MLA for Strathmore-Brooks poses
 next to the official "Apology Counter"

STRATHMORE, AB - The Wildrose Party officially reset the counter on the "Derek Fildebrandt days without an Apology" clock, a party insider revealed.

The counter, officially located in their Edmonton offices, was also part of their campaign efforts, accompanying them when Fildebrandt, the MLA from Strathmore-Brooks - would tour his constituency and make appearances with other candidates. It's occasionally still used for travel purposes and promotions, but the official counter remains in Edmonton.

Friday, after issuing an apology for his constant demands to "Invite Premier Wall" from Saskatchewan when Premier Kathleen Wynne was visiting, Opposition Leader Brian Jean hit the reset button on the timer. Then after a social media fiasco after Fildebrandt accidentally agreed with a comment on his Facebook page someone posted, and then subsequently apologized again, Jean hit the button. The number had not even changed from zero yet.

The clock was at a record 142 days, as apologies from the NDP and from PC Leader Ric McIver were prominent. Fildebrandt's last apology was in regards to comments from then suspended MLA Deborah Drever regarding a Christmas Greeting printing error. Before hand it was 28 days since he had apologized for questioning the integrity of the speaker Bob Wanner.

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Ghost of Allison Redford in Federal Building is Actually Allison Redford

A feral Ms Redford in the former "Sky Palace"

EDMONTON, AB - Floors creaking, doors opening and shutting on their own and coffee brewing itself early in the morning when no one is around are just some of the hauntings that have been happening on the 11th floor of the Federal Building in Alberta.

Teresa Daniell, who works in the former "Sky Palace" as a government assistant was shocked with some of the things she saw. "I swear it was a ghost! I'd come in in the morning, and suddenly I'd hear a floor creak. Then came the groaning. I entered the boardroom, and there I saw it, the ghost of Ms Redford! She was laying on the board room table as if she were asleep!"

After months of rumors and complaints, Infrastructure Minister Brian Mason hired a professional ghost hunter to exorcise the room, the ghost of Allison Redford woke up demanding who was splashing water on her so early in the morning. She then shoved her way past Daniell and poured herself a cup of coffee.

Allison Redford was alive and well, and as it turns out, had been living there since February of 2015 when the building reopened and tenants began moving in.

"This was absolutely shocking news to us," said Mason in an interview granted to The Moose. "I didn't even know she was still in Alberta. I had always assumed we had her under control. Unfortunatley, she's become quite successful at living off the land here. Leftover donuts from meetings in various rooms, making coffee before the staff arrive."

"There's only one humane way to handle feral Premiers. It is our intent to capture her and release her back in Calgary-Elbow."

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Montreal Canadiens Sign Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau celebrates after his signing.

MONTREAL QC - Justin Trudeau has signed a historic deal with the Montreal Canadiens for the 2016-17 season, GM Marc Bergevin confirmed at a media scrum Friday.

"We need an enforcer who's fit, and can score goals, and while he sometimes misses the mark, he still delivers strong," Bergevin stated. "And he plays some old-school style of hockey. We haven't seen elbows like that since the days of Gordie Howe."

Trudeau for his part, is taking it easy. He's been seen practicing along the Rideau Canal outside parliament, working on his footwork and improving his stickhandling. He even challenged several members of the NDP caucus to a game. NDP Team Captain Mulcair has declined the challenge, stating that "He's just too physical for a game of pick-up hockey. We're still not recovered from the last time we played. Brosseau is still day-to-day."

This is new territory for the former boxer, who often cites aggressive players as an influence. Recently, he's turned to fellow former boxer and hockey player Rocky Thompson for advice. Rocky has made it clear that Trudeau is going to be put on the ice to fight. Trudeau on the other hand, has been very clear: "Yes, I'm signed as a fighter. But this isn't the 90's anymore. This is a new NHL, and I'm going to have to earn my keep here. My stickhandling is improving, as I'm working on my wrist-shot. It doesn't matter how many times I hit someone on the ice if I can't put the puck in the net."

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Canada Second Greatest Country to Reside - According to Canadians

A traditional Canadian home in a typical Canadian suburb

TORONTO, ON - A poll this week of over 3,000 Canadians showed that Canada is the second greatest country to live in the world. Released by polling company Zeuters, it seemed every Canadian will not admit that Canada is the greatest country in the wold. While there is no specific agreement on what country is the greatest country to live in, Canada came in 2nd place 97% of the time.

The country that received in first place was Norway with 9% of the vote. Only a handful of votes behind - close enough to also come in at 9% was Germany. Not a single Canadian voted for Canada in first place.

Francis Craddock, pollster for Zeuters was not surprised. "Canadians clearly love their country. Out of the over 200 recognized countries in the world, second place is still pretty high." He then went on to apologize for their extremely confident ranking of second place, adamant that they don't deserve it.

"It's rare for us to find this many Canadians who think so highly of themselves. They generally put the entire world before them, and even then they make apologies for being too humble." Craddock continued.

***

Calgary Moose asked a few passerbys about what they thought regarding this.

Q: According to an overwhelming majority of Canadians, Canada is the second greatest country in the world. How does that make you feel?

Vincent Zousef, 25, Student: "I was born here, and I'm quite surprised that we scored so high. I mean, sure, we're a good country, but there's a lot of great countries countries out there."

Ashleigh Leighton (she insisted it's pronounced "Left-Ton" but we all know better), 32, Engineer: "It's shocking! I love my country, but I also love countries like Italy and England. How did we score so high? You're gonna make sure people can read my name properly, right?"

Micheal Buble, 40, Entertainer, but not the same person as Micheal Bublé: "Our entire identity is tied to Great Big Sea, Not being Americans, and Tim Horton's. That's really all we are. I don't see what's so exciting about that."

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McIver Throws Tantrum in Legislature over Wanner's Power Ranger Toys

Hon. Ric McIver (PC) MLA for Calgary-Hays in time out outside.

EDMONTON, AB - Chaos ensued in the Alberta Legislature Building yesterday when PC Party Leader accused SPeaker of the House Bob Wanner of not sharing his Power Ranger toys.

"It was a completely unnecessary distraction." Said McIver. "I mean, he shouldn't have brought them in at all, but once he did, he really should have been willing to let us all have a turn."

It started when a page handed Wanner a Red Power Ranger toy. As debate continued, Wanner seemed distracted as he played with it, and another Green Ranger toy. It was at this point that McIver had had enough and began to throw his accusations against the speaker.

"Mr. Speaker, if you will not follow the debate at hand, would you at least allow me to play with your Green Ranger?" Wanner of course, refused and insisted that both the toys belong to him. McIver for his part continued, only getting louder. Wanner then used his authority as speaker to tell McIver his statement had been recognized and asked him to sit down. The PC Leader then refused and continued yelling, then banged on his desk. Wanner then gave his edict.

"If the honourable member from Calgary-Hays does not stop his kicking and screaming in the aisles before I count to three, I will have him in time out until he apologizes to the assembly."

After the count, the speaker then ruled that McIver was out of order. He was removed from the legislature and then taken to see the nurse, who put a band-aid on McIver's knee after he bumped it on the door on the way out. The nurse also gave him a lollipop.

McIver has said he'll think of an apology as soon as he figures what he needs to apologize for.

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Notley's Government Budget Highlights

Yesterday, Alberta Finance Minister Joe Ceci and Premier Rachel Notley tabled the budget for 2016. Called the Alberta Jobs Plan, there were a few interesting tidbits in there (not to be confused with "Timbits" which were nowhere to be seen). Here are some of our favourites:

Education and Employment

• $350 Million dollars to fund a Clown College located in Strathmore. This would ensure Derek Fildebrandt can still obtain meaningful employment once he retires as MLA.
• $1.2 billion to build a pipeline from Alberta to nowhere. The pipeline, initially earmarked for bitumen, will be used to transport all the jobs leaving the province to anywhere but here.
• $3.5 billion to build new schools... Or as the Calgary Board of Education calls it "A down payment on our headquarters and offices"

Environment

• $645 million dollars to create a new agency to called "Red Tape Efficiency Alberta" to harness the power of bureaucracy and turn it into an energy source.
• $2.2 billion for green projects, including transit. It's expected a commitment of three $10.00 Tim Horton's gift cards will be announced for Calgary before November.

Health

• $3.5 billion on new health facilities and equipment including $1.2 billion for the new Calgary Cancer Center, and $500 million on machines that go "bing." After all collective bargaining is completed, it's expected the remaining $1.8 billion will have vanished.
• Additional funds for mental health, focusing on ridings with strong support of Alberta Party and Liberal Party to help these people get in touch with reality and a little extra in Wild Rose Party ridings to support anger management programs. Ric McIver will be granted a personal anger management coach. Greg Clark will be given a role coaching NDP members who arrive late to vote a class on proper time management skills.

Other Notes

• $800 Million for refunding the carbon tax that is still being implemented. Because Red Tape Efficiency Alberta needs the energy provided by that delicious bureaucracy.
• $900 Million for affordable housing units, or as Boardwalk calls it "Our annual corporate welfare cheque."

These are exciting times for Alberta! Not since the era of Don Getty have we seen such a wonderfully balanced budget with an absolute plan to get Alberta out of debt. We are waiting for baited breath to see how these announcements are rolled out over the next year, and we'll be sure to report all of them!

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Justin Trudeau's Smile Cures Cancer in Patients

The Prime Minister, seen here after Healing a young girl.

OTTAWA, ON -  A recent study set at the University of Ottawa may have finally found a cure for cancer.

"We're extremely proud of this news. We did several trials where the Prime Minister came to visit children in the hospital and found that during his visits, the children made a full recovery. The members of the control group however did not."

The study was done over the course of several visits from the Prime Minister over a thirty day period. They divided the children, who all had various forms of cancer, into two units. The study was made particularly difficult as the children who were in the experimental group were cured immediately. This forced the researchers to find a continuous influx of children from other hospitals seeking treatment.

"We shipped them in from all over, BC, Alberta, Newfoundland... we even brought in a family from Florida. All of them had the same results. Fully cured the moment Justin Trudeau smiled at them."

The Prime Minister himself appeared unsurprised by the news. "University of Ottawa takes medical study and ethics very seriously. I always knew I had this gift, so when I was asked for my participation as part of seeking the ethics board approval, I agreed without hesitation," Trudeau said, while balancing a baby on his hand that he had just treated a moment prior. "In fact this is nothing. I've been turning American beer into Labbat's Blue since I turned nineteen."

The results of the study, which will be published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, encourage moving on to further testing, to see if the famous smile has an effect on other illnesses.

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Edmonton Oilers trade Rexall Place.

EDMONTON, AB - Oilers Entertainment Group and Katz Group held a press conference after this evening's game to announce the trade of the Rexall Place.

"We just felt it wasn't enough of an on-ice contributor anymore," said OEG Cheif Executive Bob Nicholson. "An offer was made and we had to take it."

A file photo of Rexall Place doing what it does best on the ice.
image source: mastermaq

After the game, many former Edmonton Oilers players came around to say goodbye. It's believed the arena was one of the largest contributors to the team's many Stanley Cup victories during the 80's, and had a much longer career in the sport than most athletes. "Rexall Place was beginning to get old. You could tell. It loved the sport dearly, and we will miss its presence, but we felt it was time for for it to retire," Nicholson continued.

In exchange, the Oilers have received 40 copies of the NHL rulebook, enough for the players and most of the coaching staff leading into the next training camp. It's expected many of the players and staff will be thoroughly reviewing the rules of the game. It was especially shocking to Coach Todd McLellan to learn that the objective of hockey was to win. "Now I feel disappointed. All those draft picks we got... we didn't earn them. We may have to send Conner [McDavid] to a more deserving team like Boston or Pittsburgh.

"Rexall was great in the locker room. It was good times. We were always comfortable." Said leaseholder and team owner Daryl Katz. Co-captain Andrew Ference concurred. "I love the place, you know? But I understand why we're doing this. Everyone has to say goodbye someday, and now is the time for the Oilers and Rexall place to part ways. But we had some great times, and wish it all the best."

The Oilers will start playing in Roger's place next season.

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Mayor Nenshi Announces He Will Run For Mayor of Montreal

Mayor Naheed Nenshi in this file photo

CALGARY, AB - After almost a year of speculation, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi has announced early on that he indeed will be seeking re-election in 2017, as Mayor of Montreal.

"Part of my platform will be on building bridges with the West. Underground bridges. For the purpose of transporting goods. Like Crude, for example," an elated Nenshi said.

Nenshi has gained a popular following across the country, having won World Mayor Prize for his efforts to combat racism, poverty and most famously, making sure City Hall doesn't spend too much money on paper clips. "I'm also a fan of the amount of money Montreal gets from their governments. It makes running a city so much easier when I don't have to beg hat in hand for every project we do."

Of course, he has some fairly close competition. Denis Coderre has been a relatively popular Mayor in Montreal, especially for his opposition to the Energy East pipeline which Nenshi firmly supports. He likely has no intents of backing down. But Nenshi has some choice words for Coderre "The Purple Wave is coming to Montreal," He says with a smile. "And unlike sewage, he can't just dump it in the river and hope it goes away."

"I love my city. I love my province. And I love everything about Canada. And that's why I'll be running in Montreal in 2017. It's what's best for both cities."

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Literal Giant Dick Announces GOP Candidacy

Richards, 45, seen here at a campaign event in Wisconsin.

MADISON, WI – A surprise late entry into the Republican Nomination Contest has left many stunned. Bishop Richard, a career penis of 45 years of age, has recently announced his candidacy for the Republican Nomination. And he feels his odds are very good. And, according to the 5'11” phallus, his odds are pretty good.

“I've been a dick since Ted Cruz was born. And Rubio's comments regarding Donald's hands made me realise I might have all the qualifications necessary to lead the Republican Party all the way to the White House.” Richard said following a campaign stop in Wisconsin ahead of the next round of primaries on April 5^th. “I just figured if this is a dick measuring contest, I'm a clear winner.”

With Rubio dropping out of the Presidential race, the contest is starting to get more heated than ever. But that hasn't discouraged Richard. “It just seems the party likes giant dicks. I could probably take away three quarters of the votes each from Cruz and Trump. If Kusich still has a chance, then I most definitely do. It's going to be hard, but I like that.”

He's also a staunch conservative who believes in family values. While admitting to not having any problems with homosexuality and even endorsing the Supreme Court decision from last summer, he believes creationism should be taught alongside the theory of evolution and supports religious sex-ed. He especially opposes condom demonstrations or teaching of birth control. While he doesn't deny man-made climate change – a breakaway of the party establishment, he feels it's our duty to contribute as much as we can to making climate change happen more rapidly – encouraging people to reduce the amount of clothing they wear in hot weather.

“Dicks need to be free too, you know.”

The next primaries for the Republicans are to be held April 5^th.

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