Canada Second Greatest Country to Reside - According to Canadians

A traditional Canadian home in a typical Canadian suburb

TORONTO, ON - A poll this week of over 3,000 Canadians showed that Canada is the second greatest country to live in the world. Released by polling company Zeuters, it seemed every Canadian will not admit that Canada is the greatest country in the wold. While there is no specific agreement on what country is the greatest country to live in, Canada came in 2nd place 97% of the time.

The country that received in first place was Norway with 9% of the vote. Only a handful of votes behind - close enough to also come in at 9% was Germany. Not a single Canadian voted for Canada in first place.

Francis Craddock, pollster for Zeuters was not surprised. "Canadians clearly love their country. Out of the over 200 recognized countries in the world, second place is still pretty high." He then went on to apologize for their extremely confident ranking of second place, adamant that they don't deserve it.

"It's rare for us to find this many Canadians who think so highly of themselves. They generally put the entire world before them, and even then they make apologies for being too humble." Craddock continued.

***

Calgary Moose asked a few passerbys about what they thought regarding this.

Q: According to an overwhelming majority of Canadians, Canada is the second greatest country in the world. How does that make you feel?

Vincent Zousef, 25, Student: "I was born here, and I'm quite surprised that we scored so high. I mean, sure, we're a good country, but there's a lot of great countries countries out there."

Ashleigh Leighton (she insisted it's pronounced "Left-Ton" but we all know better), 32, Engineer: "It's shocking! I love my country, but I also love countries like Italy and England. How did we score so high? You're gonna make sure people can read my name properly, right?"

Micheal Buble, 40, Entertainer, but not the same person as Micheal Bublé: "Our entire identity is tied to Great Big Sea, Not being Americans, and Tim Horton's. That's really all we are. I don't see what's so exciting about that."

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McIver Throws Tantrum in Legislature over Wanner's Power Ranger Toys

Hon. Ric McIver (PC) MLA for Calgary-Hays in time out outside.

EDMONTON, AB - Chaos ensued in the Alberta Legislature Building yesterday when PC Party Leader accused SPeaker of the House Bob Wanner of not sharing his Power Ranger toys.

"It was a completely unnecessary distraction." Said McIver. "I mean, he shouldn't have brought them in at all, but once he did, he really should have been willing to let us all have a turn."

It started when a page handed Wanner a Red Power Ranger toy. As debate continued, Wanner seemed distracted as he played with it, and another Green Ranger toy. It was at this point that McIver had had enough and began to throw his accusations against the speaker.

"Mr. Speaker, if you will not follow the debate at hand, would you at least allow me to play with your Green Ranger?" Wanner of course, refused and insisted that both the toys belong to him. McIver for his part continued, only getting louder. Wanner then used his authority as speaker to tell McIver his statement had been recognized and asked him to sit down. The PC Leader then refused and continued yelling, then banged on his desk. Wanner then gave his edict.

"If the honourable member from Calgary-Hays does not stop his kicking and screaming in the aisles before I count to three, I will have him in time out until he apologizes to the assembly."

After the count, the speaker then ruled that McIver was out of order. He was removed from the legislature and then taken to see the nurse, who put a band-aid on McIver's knee after he bumped it on the door on the way out. The nurse also gave him a lollipop.

McIver has said he'll think of an apology as soon as he figures what he needs to apologize for.

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Notley's Government Budget Highlights

Yesterday, Alberta Finance Minister Joe Ceci and Premier Rachel Notley tabled the budget for 2016. Called the Alberta Jobs Plan, there were a few interesting tidbits in there (not to be confused with "Timbits" which were nowhere to be seen). Here are some of our favourites:

Education and Employment

• $350 Million dollars to fund a Clown College located in Strathmore. This would ensure Derek Fildebrandt can still obtain meaningful employment once he retires as MLA.
• $1.2 billion to build a pipeline from Alberta to nowhere. The pipeline, initially earmarked for bitumen, will be used to transport all the jobs leaving the province to anywhere but here.
• $3.5 billion to build new schools... Or as the Calgary Board of Education calls it "A down payment on our headquarters and offices"

Environment

• $645 million dollars to create a new agency to called "Red Tape Efficiency Alberta" to harness the power of bureaucracy and turn it into an energy source.
• $2.2 billion for green projects, including transit. It's expected a commitment of three $10.00 Tim Horton's gift cards will be announced for Calgary before November.

Health

• $3.5 billion on new health facilities and equipment including $1.2 billion for the new Calgary Cancer Center, and $500 million on machines that go "bing." After all collective bargaining is completed, it's expected the remaining $1.8 billion will have vanished.
• Additional funds for mental health, focusing on ridings with strong support of Alberta Party and Liberal Party to help these people get in touch with reality and a little extra in Wild Rose Party ridings to support anger management programs. Ric McIver will be granted a personal anger management coach. Greg Clark will be given a role coaching NDP members who arrive late to vote a class on proper time management skills.

Other Notes

• $800 Million for refunding the carbon tax that is still being implemented. Because Red Tape Efficiency Alberta needs the energy provided by that delicious bureaucracy.
• $900 Million for affordable housing units, or as Boardwalk calls it "Our annual corporate welfare cheque."

These are exciting times for Alberta! Not since the era of Don Getty have we seen such a wonderfully balanced budget with an absolute plan to get Alberta out of debt. We are waiting for baited breath to see how these announcements are rolled out over the next year, and we'll be sure to report all of them!

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Justin Trudeau's Smile Cures Cancer in Patients

The Prime Minister, seen here after Healing a young girl.

OTTAWA, ON -  A recent study set at the University of Ottawa may have finally found a cure for cancer.

"We're extremely proud of this news. We did several trials where the Prime Minister came to visit children in the hospital and found that during his visits, the children made a full recovery. The members of the control group however did not."

The study was done over the course of several visits from the Prime Minister over a thirty day period. They divided the children, who all had various forms of cancer, into two units. The study was made particularly difficult as the children who were in the experimental group were cured immediately. This forced the researchers to find a continuous influx of children from other hospitals seeking treatment.

"We shipped them in from all over, BC, Alberta, Newfoundland... we even brought in a family from Florida. All of them had the same results. Fully cured the moment Justin Trudeau smiled at them."

The Prime Minister himself appeared unsurprised by the news. "University of Ottawa takes medical study and ethics very seriously. I always knew I had this gift, so when I was asked for my participation as part of seeking the ethics board approval, I agreed without hesitation," Trudeau said, while balancing a baby on his hand that he had just treated a moment prior. "In fact this is nothing. I've been turning American beer into Labbat's Blue since I turned nineteen."

The results of the study, which will be published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, encourage moving on to further testing, to see if the famous smile has an effect on other illnesses.

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Edmonton Oilers trade Rexall Place.

EDMONTON, AB - Oilers Entertainment Group and Katz Group held a press conference after this evening's game to announce the trade of the Rexall Place.

"We just felt it wasn't enough of an on-ice contributor anymore," said OEG Cheif Executive Bob Nicholson. "An offer was made and we had to take it."

A file photo of Rexall Place doing what it does best on the ice.
image source: mastermaq

After the game, many former Edmonton Oilers players came around to say goodbye. It's believed the arena was one of the largest contributors to the team's many Stanley Cup victories during the 80's, and had a much longer career in the sport than most athletes. "Rexall Place was beginning to get old. You could tell. It loved the sport dearly, and we will miss its presence, but we felt it was time for for it to retire," Nicholson continued.

In exchange, the Oilers have received 40 copies of the NHL rulebook, enough for the players and most of the coaching staff leading into the next training camp. It's expected many of the players and staff will be thoroughly reviewing the rules of the game. It was especially shocking to Coach Todd McLellan to learn that the objective of hockey was to win. "Now I feel disappointed. All those draft picks we got... we didn't earn them. We may have to send Conner [McDavid] to a more deserving team like Boston or Pittsburgh.

"Rexall was great in the locker room. It was good times. We were always comfortable." Said leaseholder and team owner Daryl Katz. Co-captain Andrew Ference concurred. "I love the place, you know? But I understand why we're doing this. Everyone has to say goodbye someday, and now is the time for the Oilers and Rexall place to part ways. But we had some great times, and wish it all the best."

The Oilers will start playing in Roger's place next season.

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Mayor Nenshi Announces He Will Run For Mayor of Montreal

Mayor Naheed Nenshi in this file photo

CALGARY, AB - After almost a year of speculation, Calgary Mayor Naheed Nenshi has announced early on that he indeed will be seeking re-election in 2017, as Mayor of Montreal.

"Part of my platform will be on building bridges with the West. Underground bridges. For the purpose of transporting goods. Like Crude, for example," an elated Nenshi said.

Nenshi has gained a popular following across the country, having won World Mayor Prize for his efforts to combat racism, poverty and most famously, making sure City Hall doesn't spend too much money on paper clips. "I'm also a fan of the amount of money Montreal gets from their governments. It makes running a city so much easier when I don't have to beg hat in hand for every project we do."

Of course, he has some fairly close competition. Denis Coderre has been a relatively popular Mayor in Montreal, especially for his opposition to the Energy East pipeline which Nenshi firmly supports. He likely has no intents of backing down. But Nenshi has some choice words for Coderre "The Purple Wave is coming to Montreal," He says with a smile. "And unlike sewage, he can't just dump it in the river and hope it goes away."

"I love my city. I love my province. And I love everything about Canada. And that's why I'll be running in Montreal in 2017. It's what's best for both cities."

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