Editorial: An Open Letter to President Donald Trump

It's become apparent that being a news site is becoming more and more difficult. The Calgary Moose has always prided itself on being one of the most reliable sources of news. News that's completely unreliable, but that's besides the point.

Some people accuse us of being a news satire site or a parody news site, disclaimer at the bottom of the page notwithstanding. But it's becoming more and more difficult to come up with breaking stories that shock and offend without reliable sources when you, the President of the United States of America, beat us to the punch in 140 characters. So, Mr. President, we have a deal for you:

Purchase our site from us. We offer two options: $35,000 USD or $50,000 CAD. The US dollar figure is equal to one Gold Elite package at Trump University. The Canadian Dollar figure is in case you cannot figure out the math for the exchange rate.

So, what's in it for you? Firstly, we use Blogger, although you could take the name, hire some professionals, and vamp it up with some other website platform. The point is, Blogger is easy to use, comes with a spell checker built in for the next time someone "tapps" your phones, and you aren't limited to the pesky 140 character limit. You can use complete sentences! Secondly, you have a productive outlet the next time you have a hot exclusive news scoop and a news site - no matter how satirical, lends slightly more credibility to your words. Thirdly, you can lie on our website with absolute impunity, because if you get caught, you can just say "It's only a fake news site! It even has a disclaimer!"

So, President Trump, there's our offer. Because it's getting difficult to parody a sitting president who is beating us at our own game. Think it over, talk with your family - technically you aren't allowed to make money off our site while you're sitting as President, but your can make money and just... give you a password to post to the site. We'll be waiting for your response on Twitter. Please spell our twitter handle correctly, or we won't get the notifications.

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Trump Good, Russian Hack a Lie

Real file photo of Wonderful World Leader Putin
Source: Somewhere on internet so must be real

WASHINGTON DC - Today's news bring joy as Leader Putin proved not guilty in any hacking of Amerikan democracy. Kremlin investigation and CFB prove without trace of doubt handsomest leader in world and strong man Putin not interfere in Election of chosen wise Pres dent of Amerika Trump.

News good as world leaders stand up to applaud absolute openness of elections in US of A and jointly give all medals of honor to wonderful President of Glorious Russia and President in Waiting most virile Donald Trump. Putin said to be happy about good news going forward and insist he only want election in Amerika to be fair, like Crimea referendum to join motherland was.

Trump also said to be happy happy about news, and will be greatest President in Amerika History to make Amerika great again, and is most absolutely definitely not puppet to Most Muscular and Strong President Putin of Russia. Putin and Trump both promise to not hurt those horrible awful bad people who lie and accuse them of such things. America good. Yay!

In not related news Putin and Trump in running for Glorious Nobel Peace Prize and several awards from Nations United for efforts to make world peaceful happy place.

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Google's DeepMind Defeats the Toronto Maple Leafs

Three members of the DeepMind team during the opening skate.

TORONTO, ON - DeepMind defeated the Toronto Maple Leafs by a score of 5-0 in exhibition play last night. It was the first time an AI has won a hockey game against a professional team. Demis Hassabis describes this as "Phenomenal."

"We've had a lot of difficulties trying to teach DeepMind to play team sports. Up to this point it was mainly basic video games and board games. But this goes to show just how versatile DeepMind is," Hassabis continued. "Especially when DeepMind lacks important details, such as opposable thumbs or knees that bend, or even having legs at all."

DeepMind is designed to learn in a way similar to humans. By practicing and observing games, the AI learns the rules, and soon develops combinations of how to respond to situations as they arise within the rules. By observing it's environment, it learns and adapts. So how did DeepMind learn Hockey?

"We started with some video games," Hassabis went on. "We had DeepMind play thousands of games on NHL '95 to get a feel for the basics. Then we had him run hundreds of thousands of reviews of recent games to understand most of the standard plays and changes to the rules since the Super Nintendo era. After a slight neural pruning process, we set him up against Toronto, just to test it out, and the results were better than we had hoped."

Their next goal is to test DeepMind against better teams, including the Montreal Canadiens, who hold the record for most Stanley Cup Wins, as well as against more recent and relevant Stanley Cup Champions, the Chicago Blackhawks, Los Angeles Kings, and Pittsburgh Penguins.

DeepMind staff hope to have enough data from the World Cup of Hockey to prepare for a best of 8 series against Team Canada late next year, with a possible upcoming series against Russia.

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Derek Fildebrandt "Days without an Apology" Counter Set Back to Zero, Twice.

Derek Fildebrandt, MLA for Strathmore-Brooks poses
 next to the official "Apology Counter"

STRATHMORE, AB - The Wildrose Party officially reset the counter on the "Derek Fildebrandt days without an Apology" clock, a party insider revealed.

The counter, officially located in their Edmonton offices, was also part of their campaign efforts, accompanying them when Fildebrandt, the MLA from Strathmore-Brooks - would tour his constituency and make appearances with other candidates. It's occasionally still used for travel purposes and promotions, but the official counter remains in Edmonton.

Friday, after issuing an apology for his constant demands to "Invite Premier Wall" from Saskatchewan when Premier Kathleen Wynne was visiting, Opposition Leader Brian Jean hit the reset button on the timer. Then after a social media fiasco after Fildebrandt accidentally agreed with a comment on his Facebook page someone posted, and then subsequently apologized again, Jean hit the button. The number had not even changed from zero yet.

The clock was at a record 142 days, as apologies from the NDP and from PC Leader Ric McIver were prominent. Fildebrandt's last apology was in regards to comments from then suspended MLA Deborah Drever regarding a Christmas Greeting printing error. Before hand it was 28 days since he had apologized for questioning the integrity of the speaker Bob Wanner.

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Ghost of Allison Redford in Federal Building is Actually Allison Redford

A feral Ms Redford in the former "Sky Palace"

EDMONTON, AB - Floors creaking, doors opening and shutting on their own and coffee brewing itself early in the morning when no one is around are just some of the hauntings that have been happening on the 11th floor of the Federal Building in Alberta.

Teresa Daniell, who works in the former "Sky Palace" as a government assistant was shocked with some of the things she saw. "I swear it was a ghost! I'd come in in the morning, and suddenly I'd hear a floor creak. Then came the groaning. I entered the boardroom, and there I saw it, the ghost of Ms Redford! She was laying on the board room table as if she were asleep!"

After months of rumors and complaints, Infrastructure Minister Brian Mason hired a professional ghost hunter to exorcise the room, the ghost of Allison Redford woke up demanding who was splashing water on her so early in the morning. She then shoved her way past Daniell and poured herself a cup of coffee.

Allison Redford was alive and well, and as it turns out, had been living there since February of 2015 when the building reopened and tenants began moving in.

"This was absolutely shocking news to us," said Mason in an interview granted to The Moose. "I didn't even know she was still in Alberta. I had always assumed we had her under control. Unfortunatley, she's become quite successful at living off the land here. Leftover donuts from meetings in various rooms, making coffee before the staff arrive."

"There's only one humane way to handle feral Premiers. It is our intent to capture her and release her back in Calgary-Elbow."

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Montreal Canadiens Sign Justin Trudeau

Justin Trudeau celebrates after his signing.

MONTREAL QC - Justin Trudeau has signed a historic deal with the Montreal Canadiens for the 2016-17 season, GM Marc Bergevin confirmed at a media scrum Friday.

"We need an enforcer who's fit, and can score goals, and while he sometimes misses the mark, he still delivers strong," Bergevin stated. "And he plays some old-school style of hockey. We haven't seen elbows like that since the days of Gordie Howe."

Trudeau for his part, is taking it easy. He's been seen practicing along the Rideau Canal outside parliament, working on his footwork and improving his stickhandling. He even challenged several members of the NDP caucus to a game. NDP Team Captain Mulcair has declined the challenge, stating that "He's just too physical for a game of pick-up hockey. We're still not recovered from the last time we played. Brosseau is still day-to-day."

This is new territory for the former boxer, who often cites aggressive players as an influence. Recently, he's turned to fellow former boxer and hockey player Rocky Thompson for advice. Rocky has made it clear that Trudeau is going to be put on the ice to fight. Trudeau on the other hand, has been very clear: "Yes, I'm signed as a fighter. But this isn't the 90's anymore. This is a new NHL, and I'm going to have to earn my keep here. My stickhandling is improving, as I'm working on my wrist-shot. It doesn't matter how many times I hit someone on the ice if I can't put the puck in the net."

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Canada Second Greatest Country to Reside - According to Canadians

A traditional Canadian home in a typical Canadian suburb

TORONTO, ON - A poll this week of over 3,000 Canadians showed that Canada is the second greatest country to live in the world. Released by polling company Zeuters, it seemed every Canadian will not admit that Canada is the greatest country in the wold. While there is no specific agreement on what country is the greatest country to live in, Canada came in 2nd place 97% of the time.

The country that received in first place was Norway with 9% of the vote. Only a handful of votes behind - close enough to also come in at 9% was Germany. Not a single Canadian voted for Canada in first place.

Francis Craddock, pollster for Zeuters was not surprised. "Canadians clearly love their country. Out of the over 200 recognized countries in the world, second place is still pretty high." He then went on to apologize for their extremely confident ranking of second place, adamant that they don't deserve it.

"It's rare for us to find this many Canadians who think so highly of themselves. They generally put the entire world before them, and even then they make apologies for being too humble." Craddock continued.

***

Calgary Moose asked a few passerbys about what they thought regarding this.

Q: According to an overwhelming majority of Canadians, Canada is the second greatest country in the world. How does that make you feel?

Vincent Zousef, 25, Student: "I was born here, and I'm quite surprised that we scored so high. I mean, sure, we're a good country, but there's a lot of great countries countries out there."

Ashleigh Leighton (she insisted it's pronounced "Left-Ton" but we all know better), 32, Engineer: "It's shocking! I love my country, but I also love countries like Italy and England. How did we score so high? You're gonna make sure people can read my name properly, right?"

Micheal Buble, 40, Entertainer, but not the same person as Micheal Bublé: "Our entire identity is tied to Great Big Sea, Not being Americans, and Tim Horton's. That's really all we are. I don't see what's so exciting about that."

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